Grease and Oil on the Wall, Who's the Fairest One
by Padfoot the Better Marauder
Summary: Grease and Oil on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "It is Princess Hermione, my dear Queen." "WHAT! How can this be? I won the '91 Beauty Pageant of Faraway Land! I am an ex-Miss Faraway. And I am also a former Miss Fairytale Universe! No way tha


Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a beautiful princess, king, and queen. One day, the queen passed away, and the king remarried another woman, Narcissa, who became Queen. What King Albus didn't know, was that the Queen Narcissa was an evil, _evil_, witch, or so the legend says.

In reality, King Albus went to settle a peace treaty with the neighboring country, and returned much faster than he imagined. But when he returned, he saw the Queen Narcissa kissing somebody else... huge, green, and smelly. An ogre! And not just any ogre, it was SHREK!!! straight out of his Hollywood house.

King Albus, shocked from the whole thing, confronted his wife during dinner, while he had excused their two personal servants - Alonzo and Alfonzo. The Queen Narcissa cackled madly, and found a cucumber on the table. She threw it at her husband, _hard_, and he died.

**Snape:** When do I come in??? I was payed a million galleons to do this, so I want to play my part-

Yes, yes, alright. You come in the story Snape, don't worry.

Now, the beautiful young princess, Princess Hermione, grew up, and was very, very beautiful-

**Dopey:** Didn't you already say that?

Yes, I did, Dopey, but it was just to remind the readers how beautiful Princess Hermione is. Now run along before the readers will recognize you.

**Dopey:** Yeah, yeah, whatever. You can't appreciate how wonderful I am, I would've made a spectacular Prince Charming-

Do you really want to end up married to Princess Hermione?

**Dopey:** No, only ::mumble:: wants to.

Shhhh! You don't want to tell the readers who Prince Charming is, do you?! Otherwise I'll re-edit the entire thing and cut you out. Plus, I won't let you go to the premiere.

**Dopey:** Alright, alright, I'll go.

Great... now where was I? Ah, yes. Princess Hermione grew up and was even more beautiful than the beautiful Queen, Narcissa, not to mention that her fanclub was much bigger than Narcissa's son from her first marriage (or perhaps, Shrek?) Draco.

Queen Narcissa, who had noticed all of this after repainting her nails for the fourth time that particular hour, decided to ask her trusty mirror, who had the head of an ugly, greasy, man at the top of it, what to do.

**Queen Narcissa:** Grease and Oil on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

**Snape: **Me!!! Aren't I hot today?

_Snape._ Do not mess with me today, or otherwise I will cut you out, and take all of the money I paid you to do this.

Besides, you are ugly, so deal with it.

**Snape:** Ahem. It is you, Queen Narcissa.

**Queen Narcissa:** No... really?! Oh, my God, even with a broken nail I am the hottest of them all! Oh my God, I need to call my best friend, Jennica Simpdaughter-

Spare us, Narcissa. Please.

**Queen Narcissa:** She lives in China, you know. How _in_!

She lives in the United States, Narcissa. She just thinks its China. I think she's visited San Francisco lately, and got lost in China Town.

**Queen Narcissa:** No WAY! I gotta call her and tell her what you said!

Narcissa, stick back to the story, please. And Snape, you know your line, you're supposed to say what I told you to say earlier, not "It is you, Queen Narcissa". Otherwise I'll cut you ou-

**Snape:** It is Princess Hermione, my dear Queen.

**Queen Narcissa: **WHAT?!?! How can this be? I won the '91 Beauty Pageant of Faraway Land! I am an ex-Miss Faraway. And I am also a former Miss Fairytale Universe! No way that little brat is more attractive than me!

Congratulation, Narcissa! You learned a new word today. Attractive!

**Queen Narcissa:** Like, thanks! Anyway, how can the little snotball I got as a goodbye present from my latest... er, late husband be prettier than me?!?!

**Snape:** ::in a faraway voice:: She... is prettier... than youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

**Queen Narcissa:** Oh, damn. Now I need to call my trusty hunter. Oi, Arthur, you filthy Weasley!

**Arthur the Hunter:** Yes, your majesty?

**Queen Narcissa:** I need you to... to... what's that long word I'm supposed to say?

Dispose, Narcissa.

**Queen Narcissa:** Oh, right! I need you to dispose to-

Dispose of.

**Queen Narcissa:** Yeah, that's what I said. I need you to dispose of Princess Hermione.

**Arthur the Hunter:** But why?

**Queen Narcissa:** Because, old Grease and Oil here said that she's prettier than me, Miss Fairytale Universe! Hmph!

**Arthur the Hunter:** Of course, Your Majesty

**Queen:** And... and... she also has a bigger fanclub than my son, Draco! What kind of rude person is she?

**Arthur the Hunter:** She is the princess, so-

**Queen Narcissa:** Off with his head!

**Arthur the Hunter:** No, your majesty! Spare me!

**Queen Narcissa: **Oh, alright! Just in one condition.

**Arthur the Hunter:** What is it?

**Queen Narcissa:** You give me her heart.

**Arthur the Hunter:** Okay.

And so Arthur the Hunter signed a contract with Queen Narcissa that he'll slay Princess Hermione in the woods and give the Queen her heart. Meanwhile, Prince Draco, who had been crowned prince ever since the Queen was crowned Queen, was sitting in his room.

**Prince Draco: **Where is Hermione?! I demand she brings me some tea! It is teatime and I want my TEA!!!

Prince Draco was a very spoiled child.

**Prince Draco:** HEY!

Well, you are. And remember that I'm doing you a favor.

**Prince Draco: **You're doing _me _a favor! Hahahahaha! I'm the one who let you use Draco Malfoy®. That registered trademark belongs to me! All I wanted was that you'd give me in a cameo of my own.

If I'll agree with what you said, will you shut up?

**Prince Draco:** I'll consider it..

Okay. I agree with you

**Prince Draco:** Marvelous.

He had spent most of his life in the palace, like the Princess. But unlike the princess, he had a princess, and many servants who fulfilled his every demand. Princess Hermione had to be the Prince's servant, and it was very hard work. Plus Ladies and Lords came to have tea with him every day. Prince Draco was expecting Lady Minerva that day, and had demanded the Princess Hermione would make him some tea before the Lady arrived.

**Prince Draco:** Where is that bloody Princess? I've been waiting for her for hours.

Just as the last word came out of the Prince's mouth, the door opened, and in came a very tired and filthy Princess, who looked like she ran a couple of miles before sprinting all the way to the prince's lair.

**Princess Hermione:** What do you want, your majesty?

The princess bowed.

**Prince Draco:** I demand you prepare some tea for me and my guest. Also bake some doggie biscuits for the Lady. She is rather fond of them.

**Princess Hermione:** Yes, Your Majesty.

Then the Princess left the room to get some doggie biscuits and tea for the Prince. The Princess gave the Prince what he requested... The Princess killed the Queen and ran away, and Prince Draco was crowned King. The End?!?! Who messed up my script?

**Prince Draco:** I swear it wasn't me... honestly.

You're laughing! I see you and I hear you!

**Prince Draco: **You must admit it's funny!

It wasn't! Now I'm banishing you from the story! No Hollywood premieres for you!!!

**Prince:** But-

Goodbye.

**Prince Draco:** You'll be hearing about this from my lawyer!

Pampered twit. At least he's gone... messed up my entire story...

**Prince Draco:** I heard that!

Now I won't find somebody else to replace his part... I guess we'll have to cut out the everything that included him... Ah, well... at least we got rid of him... I can't even see him now! Hallelujah! Ahem... yes, back to the story...

Princess Hermione was scrubbing the palace's well... and singing with her superb, melodious voice.

**Princess Hermione: **Someday my prince will comeeeeeeeeeee/Someday I'll find my loveeeeeeee

Er, Hermione?

**Princess Hermione:** Aaaaaaaaaaaaand how thrilling that mmmmmmmoment will beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Hermione?!?!?!?!?!?!

**Princess Hermione: **Yes?

Can you stop the shouting- I mean, singing?!

**Princess Hermione:** Alright...

Right as she finished scrubbing the well, Arthur the Hunter appeared.

**Arthur the Hunter: **Come with me, Princess!

**Princess Hermione:** To where?

**Arthur the Hunter:** I can't tell you now...

**Princess Hermione:** Are we eloping? Are you my Prince Charming? Someday my PRINCE willllllll commmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmme

HERMIONE!!!

**Princess Hermione:** WHAT?!

You will scare away everybody. Stop singing!

**Princess Hermione:** Oh... alright...

After little convincing, Princess Hermione decided to join Arthur the Hunter on his journey to wherever he was going. The Princess soon understood that he wasn't her Prince Charming, but he said he'll help her find one if she came with him. The two walked into the forest, but that, my dear friends, and my friendly foes, will be in the next part.


End file.
